Being valued ....

I am at work doing the teaching song and dance when out of nowhere is. I would finish the sentence, but the though escapes me.

You see I am coming back to this two years later and have no idea what it was going to be about. Though mainly it was of being valued.


What is value? How are we valued? What values do I honor myself with?

Questions, which matter. Though to who do they matter. Me? Someone other than me?

 I would have to say it is me that these questions relate to. If I had asked these questions about 5 years ago, this would have been addressed to other people. Now, it is just me.

What is value? Having a worth and something that is seen as valuable in yourself.

How are we valued? I haven't figured that much out yet. I know there are times when I am valued for being a hard worker, for being somewhat honest, and for other things. Though I now am trying to understand my true self value.

As to who this matters it would still be me. I am coming into a understanding of being accountable for the good and bad. Also getting into the habit of not shaming myself into a point of indecision.

I have found that I would value things which didn't matter. Now I have to put my interests into myself. For now this is going to be light in tone.

I want to see the value of myself and enrich it.   

Rolling in it

There is the ringing of things in my head, like the shoulders of mountains whipped with wind. I dine on my memories of things.

Ring-

Such a small thing, that shapes the minds desire and wrestles the heart in yearning. A binding of love and lusting of hope. Hope that all the wishes of my heart will be filled. Hopes of beauty in the finest hugs and kisses. Of talking in the hushes of our bedroom about many video games and ideas. Laying in Patrick's arms, sunlight on the walls and his whispers of content.

Yes, a simple ring. Wrought in silver or gold. Lies are not what I need, fakes are not needed either. Cheap replacements are not what is needed. But a true band of gold or silver which binds to me as to him. Yes, we know that we are bound to each other. In that knowing, there is the hope I hold of having someone love me, us and we. In it is love, for when he looks at me it is there. Knowing. This sense of belonging, to him and he to me. Diamond, hard as can be. It should be on it, sparkling out to all, emitting a light of seeing, deep into us. Sapphire, like the sea, blue in depths. Like that sea, I wish to be into him. Melded into a being which no screams escape, but warm moans. Wrapped in a swath of silken kisses unto me.

Ringing-

We are me and I

So it has been a while. Feelings about my mother in law have been resolved and now I am wondering about the other issues in my head. How to go about ending them and stopping them from being a repeating theme.

With my mother in law it was a simple, but long dreadful feeling to pick up the phone. Part of me didn't have the courage to admit I could not only be wrong. An that fear of acknowledging things kicked in, where I feel as though I have no right to speak. We spoke though of wrongs and rights. Of building toward the future and about my wedding ring. Also of how they felt about us marrying to young. Though it put me at ease. Now on to moving forward. No repeats.

You know what it is on repeat though. My family issues, they keep repeating over and over. To the point of where I need to hit the mute button. I find the old lessons of who I should be and who I am merging in and out of my mind. Of the censored self that is in my head and the brash dreamer who also wants an outlet after all this time. I find that both of those personalities don't exist at the same time. It is like they are on two opposite sides or extremes. After the letting go of the above issue, I found the censored self appearing, with all the burdens of being serious. Whereas the brash dreamer is "American Dreaming" when it comes to this. With the sadness of one who dreams and feels, but wants to live boldly in the rain of colors that is life and living. It is finding that some dreams are painful, with there programming of what should be and what is not. Of living someone else's dreams and not giving freedom to one's selves. How does one stay true to selves and not express extremes? How do they blend?

Simple is what my husband said. Let them both exist at the same time and not in sharp extremes. Funny, that is not what I was expecting him to say. I was thinking this is just me being bi-polar. Then I realized, those who are truly mentally ill don't realize that they are ill. So I finally have begun to accept that it is not me being bi-polar or bat shitty. Just that I have to split parts to who I am that need to function in harmony and not disarray. Now let me clarify, I have done counseling and had an evaluation to see if I was bi-polar. Over the years I realized that I was far from it. I got to know people who were truly bi-polar and I did not fit the bill. So I couldn't use that as an excuse anymore. I realized this several years back. Which meant getting use to the idea of being responsible for how I dealt with how I felt and dealing with my extremes of self. So we talked about blending, really blending the sweet brash dreamer with this self-censoring and self judging complex. Let them breathe together and express the positives. I can think over how I feel, but no more to the point of in action. I would allow it to judge if something was wonderful or shitty, but to stop after a certain point.  I will allow daydreaming of wonders and things, but still express and expose those dreams. Even if they dissipate in the light. They saw life in the light. Now to let this light shine.

Oh, the shiny pretty things, that make us inside. They show through our somber smiles and dead eyes. That is what I think when I reflect on my family and its many hydra heads. An how I didn't want to be in the heads or the body. Yet away from it, outside of it. Yet the problem with that is the hydra still tries to assimilate. Take in and of someone, even when is seeks wings to fly. Though I am on the path to ending the repeats of being pigeon-holed into a form of what I should be. At this point, I can be nothing more than me. I know inside that I am more than part of the hydra. Now it is time to go on to the next track and turn off the repeat button. 

Here's the lyrics to "American Dreaming"

I need my conscience to keep watch over me
To protect me from myself
So I can wear honesty like a crown on my head
When I walk into the promised land

We've been too long American dreaming
And I think we've all lost the way
Forlorn somnambulistic maniacal in the dark

I'm in love with an American girl
Though she's my best friend
I love her surreptitious smile
That hides the pain within her

And we'll go dancing in the rings of laughter
And live along by the shores???

Faith, on the lea the rising wind blows
Faith, on the lea the rising wind blows
How long how long?

Here alone on the grounds are millions of seeds we've left behind
Turned back by the foot of the doorway
Never lost and found

We've been too long American dreaming
I think we've all lost: lost the door
Fear on somnambulistic maniacal in the dark

Faith, on the lea the rising wind blows
Faith, on the lea the rising wind blows
How long how long?