All the things I said

Yesterday is gone. I can't get back that night. It is funny how an argument can bring out the worst in a couple. That we get so deep in our anger and ego; forget to that in this relationship we need to treat each well.

So now I have to ask myself why I chose to lash out in anger at my spouse? All the hard work that we've been working toward these last few weeks. Has gone to waste with the fight we had yesterday.

I lashed out at him not taking the time to cool off. To distance myself from my emotions. I have to do better than that. Lashing out at him is not cool.

Deep breath.

Though he said he forgives me, I can't forgive myself.

Exhale.

So in order to stop this, I need to be mindful of what I say. For there might come a day where there won't be someone there to hear me say it.

3:02 a.m.

I lean into his cheek.
Mumbles are what I hear and feel.
"I love you" He says.

Me who has to tease.
Mentions that.
Sleep makes it blurry.

An like before,
he storms and turns.
I take his storm and send it
back to him.

I don't have shelter from what the storm brings.
Again he lulls into sleep.
He'll dream.
Thinking she tried to make a liar of me.
"I love you" He said.


Words by S.T. Green   

Leave them

Yes. Leave them. Leave them where they are. All those ghost floating around in your head. Leave them.

If you try swimming in their waters, you'll drown in the murkiness that is. Leave Kawanna, Pam and all the other messes where they are.

Leave all the issues with his family where they are. Leave you undying hate for self and all the missed chances where they are.

It is going into 2016, you can't take them with you anymore. You can't tattoo something on you about learning to love you if you're doing that.

I can live in this world of mine like a stranger, seeing all these things and let the pass me by.

You'll have to use that anger to burn you away. Use it as a fuel, for you to grow.

So leave it all where it is. Pretend that what you know now is what it is. That all is good.

Leave all the misspoken words where they are. Focus on now.

Getting better at it

Perhaps the hard part is not being completely honest with each other. We just had a fight about when Patrick would put me down for playing an all Japanese game. It was one that I had seen in the states a long time ago. The argument that is. Though the issue isn't with that, it is with me teasing him for being cruel. It bothers me. How he thinks it is fine not to point out his flaws.

Though it doesn't make it any better to tease him about it. Why did I do that? Was it worth it?

No. It didn't make anything better only worse. Still I just said that I wouldn't talk about it. Cause I keep bring up the past. So I'll just be quiet about it. It doesn't matter how much I am bothered by him being angry about it. Though his anger is in the fact that I apparently put words in his mouth. Which I didn't.

Then again, he did the same thing while I was in Japan. Tried to tell him how I felt about us then and now. Them he proceeded to get angry at me for mentioning it. As if I was responsible for him lying to his family and friends. While encouraging him to be honest. Though just like now. I promised not to bring it up again. An just the other day he mentions. "When we have our ceremony." As if that is possible now. As if that magically makes things better.

There are so many other things that I have promised not to talk about. An only for him to give me the shit about there are games that he can't play due to how I was wanting for his time and affection. That it went from his normal love of gaming. To wanting to escape from the shitty jobs. An I fail to see how it balances out. That might be the worse part is that I am expected to not do anything about it. An yet I fail to see it.

I need to stop bringing up stuff, that will make things balance the hell out. It won't, so why bother. Resolve not to tisk-for-tasket with things in your life. An you do this with other people in your life. So promise yourself that you'll work on this for the rest of your days.

Yeah make that promise. Then you figure out why it is okay, for these people to hurt me. An them spew they love me. So the goal is to murder my heart, don't speak it. Leave the past in the past. Work with now. Right now. You're not going to swim with this. You'll die.

Choosing to forgive or forget

There is always a choice to make. Even in not making one after all these years, I made one. Now I have to wonder if the choice was wise.

Or was I right in my choice. It seems like all the bullshit is playing itself out like some karmic ballet. Of familial promises and neglect.

Though the real problem is that I haven't had to think too hard on it. My grandmother has dementia, and it troubles me that she is going through this. Yet there is the part of myself that is uncaring and callous about it. As if this is her karma for all the years she treated people like as if they didn't matter.

On the other hand there is still this love for her or either it is a knee jerk reaction to holding on to something precious. As in as she loses what makes her, herself. There is also a release of all the anger. No one can truly be angry at a specter, that is just a husk of its former self.

I know that I need to see her before she is completely worse, to forgive myself and her. Then there is the other side of that choice. Knowing that I can forget all about it, watch this morbid dance that is playing out. Or Choose to step away from either, making the choice even more painful.

We'll see. I've until January to make it known.  

It was missing. Silent all these years.

For the last five months, I have spent time in reflection of both the good and bad, along with the grey areas of my being.

An it made me thinking about the times where I was embarrassed, as a form of discipline. That somehow

the idea that being completely shamed would somehow make it better. This taught me that I needed to do

one of  two things. First, that I needed to fix something within me and that as long as that something was

fixed and hidden away that all was right with the world. Second, that as long as said behaviors weren't made

known that I was "good" enough.

Those were some rough years, still bothered by what happened and how it happened. However, I learned

that something was missing all along. It was my personal power of self and the natural wholeness of self.

When I first started teaching in Korea. The first rule was not to embarrass a child through discipline. This

meant even though I found their behavior to be unruly, I was not to dismiss them in such a way that would

leave them scared or emotionally scarred. An yet this is something I remember happening on multiply levels

childhood. It made me realize that those behaviors I had could have been handled differently, and the

responses to them should have been handled in a different manner. Yes, discipline can be used. Though in

way that allows for the root of the behavior to really stop and for the child not to be robbed of it personal

power and feel emotionally scarred.

With regards to hiding who I was and hiding a abnormal behavior. It didn't help, it made the behavioral mess

of my mind worse. It took me some time to understand that being whole and having a complete self is very

important. Now more than ever, I work at making sure my best and true self is always at the for front.

Though these things still bother me and I am not one hundred percent where I need to be. Though until I am

there, I have made the choice to not have children to till I know how to fill this void. I don't want to cause

them the same harm. I want for them to healthy both mentally and physically. An when I think on the last four

years, there's a bittersweet knowing that I wouldn't have been ready to be a parent a while back. That child

would have been dealing with parents who loved each other, but couldn't fully love their child.

So now it is no longer missing and I've given this a voice so that the silence ends.

Up in the air.

There is a moment when you won't let people do the things they do anymore.

Right now is that moment.

I noticed that many times, people didn't just ignore me or push me to the side.

That it was because I let them.

With that in mind, I now take the time to not let people do that any longer.

I feel like things have been up in the air with many people in my life. An as I land back down,

to a place of being mentally settled.

I refuse to let people get me to the place where I am bothered. Nor will I continue with where

things have gone.

For instance the fact that people think I can be used, or set aside because of something small.

I will not reach out anymore, nor will I bow and kiss the gold ring.

When it comes to my family, I will speak up more about what sideways comments that are either mentioned or said directly.

I will not let them place me in place, where I am robbed of my personal power. Or made to think I am not good enough.

With regards to my in-laws, this is something that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life.
This is the one thing that I don't think will change over night.  I hate having to rely on them for anything. An while rude things were said on both sides, I will work toward the bettering of them.
I know that neither of them truly see me as the person for their son, but were still together.
 An I will have to work at making sure not to further disappoint them more than what I have.
I know that their not my parents, but I will have to understand I am not their family. Yet a person who makes up their extended family.

An to myself most of all, we will work toward making it better. Mentally and spiritually.