There is always a choice to make. Even in not making one after all these years, I made one. Now I have to wonder if the choice was wise.
Or was I right in my choice. It seems like all the bullshit is playing itself out like some karmic ballet. Of familial promises and neglect.
Though the real problem is that I haven't had to think too hard on it. My grandmother has dementia, and it troubles me that she is going through this. Yet there is the part of myself that is uncaring and callous about it. As if this is her karma for all the years she treated people like as if they didn't matter.
On the other hand there is still this love for her or either it is a knee jerk reaction to holding on to something precious. As in as she loses what makes her, herself. There is also a release of all the anger. No one can truly be angry at a specter, that is just a husk of its former self.
I know that I need to see her before she is completely worse, to forgive myself and her. Then there is the other side of that choice. Knowing that I can forget all about it, watch this morbid dance that is playing out. Or Choose to step away from either, making the choice even more painful.
We'll see. I've until January to make it known.
Or was I right in my choice. It seems like all the bullshit is playing itself out like some karmic ballet. Of familial promises and neglect.
Though the real problem is that I haven't had to think too hard on it. My grandmother has dementia, and it troubles me that she is going through this. Yet there is the part of myself that is uncaring and callous about it. As if this is her karma for all the years she treated people like as if they didn't matter.
On the other hand there is still this love for her or either it is a knee jerk reaction to holding on to something precious. As in as she loses what makes her, herself. There is also a release of all the anger. No one can truly be angry at a specter, that is just a husk of its former self.
I know that I need to see her before she is completely worse, to forgive myself and her. Then there is the other side of that choice. Knowing that I can forget all about it, watch this morbid dance that is playing out. Or Choose to step away from either, making the choice even more painful.
We'll see. I've until January to make it known.
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