For the last five months, I have spent time in reflection of both the good and bad, along with the grey areas of my being.
An it made me thinking about the times where I was embarrassed, as a form of discipline. That somehow
the idea that being completely shamed would somehow make it better. This taught me that I needed to do
one of two things. First, that I needed to fix something within me and that as long as that something was
fixed and hidden away that all was right with the world. Second, that as long as said behaviors weren't made
known that I was "good" enough.
Those were some rough years, still bothered by what happened and how it happened. However, I learned
that something was missing all along. It was my personal power of self and the natural wholeness of self.
When I first started teaching in Korea. The first rule was not to embarrass a child through discipline. This
meant even though I found their behavior to be unruly, I was not to dismiss them in such a way that would
leave them scared or emotionally scarred. An yet this is something I remember happening on multiply levels
childhood. It made me realize that those behaviors I had could have been handled differently, and the
responses to them should have been handled in a different manner. Yes, discipline can be used. Though in
way that allows for the root of the behavior to really stop and for the child not to be robbed of it personal
power and feel emotionally scarred.
With regards to hiding who I was and hiding a abnormal behavior. It didn't help, it made the behavioral mess
of my mind worse. It took me some time to understand that being whole and having a complete self is very
important. Now more than ever, I work at making sure my best and true self is always at the for front.
Though these things still bother me and I am not one hundred percent where I need to be. Though until I am
there, I have made the choice to not have children to till I know how to fill this void. I don't want to cause
them the same harm. I want for them to healthy both mentally and physically. An when I think on the last four
years, there's a bittersweet knowing that I wouldn't have been ready to be a parent a while back. That child
would have been dealing with parents who loved each other, but couldn't fully love their child.
So now it is no longer missing and I've given this a voice so that the silence ends.
An it made me thinking about the times where I was embarrassed, as a form of discipline. That somehow
the idea that being completely shamed would somehow make it better. This taught me that I needed to do
one of two things. First, that I needed to fix something within me and that as long as that something was
fixed and hidden away that all was right with the world. Second, that as long as said behaviors weren't made
known that I was "good" enough.
Those were some rough years, still bothered by what happened and how it happened. However, I learned
that something was missing all along. It was my personal power of self and the natural wholeness of self.
When I first started teaching in Korea. The first rule was not to embarrass a child through discipline. This
meant even though I found their behavior to be unruly, I was not to dismiss them in such a way that would
leave them scared or emotionally scarred. An yet this is something I remember happening on multiply levels
childhood. It made me realize that those behaviors I had could have been handled differently, and the
responses to them should have been handled in a different manner. Yes, discipline can be used. Though in
way that allows for the root of the behavior to really stop and for the child not to be robbed of it personal
power and feel emotionally scarred.
With regards to hiding who I was and hiding a abnormal behavior. It didn't help, it made the behavioral mess
of my mind worse. It took me some time to understand that being whole and having a complete self is very
important. Now more than ever, I work at making sure my best and true self is always at the for front.
Though these things still bother me and I am not one hundred percent where I need to be. Though until I am
there, I have made the choice to not have children to till I know how to fill this void. I don't want to cause
them the same harm. I want for them to healthy both mentally and physically. An when I think on the last four
years, there's a bittersweet knowing that I wouldn't have been ready to be a parent a while back. That child
would have been dealing with parents who loved each other, but couldn't fully love their child.
So now it is no longer missing and I've given this a voice so that the silence ends.
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