Sadly this is not a good time to be mentally stuck with anything. I am finding my 30's to be some mental prison that I lead myself into. What bothers me is that my choices were hollow. Not as a response to what was happening, but more of a reaction to it.
With that said, I have found some type of freedom that I didn't know was here. In looking really far inside myself I found that I am more than enough to get through whatever is happening with my life.
Though not all of me is looking for this to make sense just yet, that would require me to not get to deep into my family and how they treated me. It would make me think of the things that weren't healthy in our interactions. It still shits in my coffee, making my latte sour and bitter. To see them happy and wonderful at this point bothers me in ways. Knowing that I was not included, the shaming that came with things. It didn't help that my lashing out was making the problem worse.
It makes all the feelings worse, there's a gnawing hatred about in my mind.
Being half way around the world with everyone where they are allows for this introspective.
Now what does the title have to do with all the things I mentioned above? This was the album that stayed with me through some dark places in both mind, body and soul.
I don't want to go there again, not even in my mind. Though the issues and feelings haven't been resolved. I am watching the fruit of things from 15 years take bloom. Mostly it has been grace-ful in blooming, the rest is slowly choking out like a stillborn night.
I've been in a stillborn night. Not a good place.
As I sit here listening to this whole album, I realize that I've been someone's cocaine and met the person in a hotel.
Also that playboy mommies are not good for anyone. In the song Tori sings of her child dying, but watching a child go through things that they didn't have to, because their mother was a playboy mommy breaks something inside.
My head and heart are somewhat lighter now that I have written this wound.
With that said, I have found some type of freedom that I didn't know was here. In looking really far inside myself I found that I am more than enough to get through whatever is happening with my life.
Though not all of me is looking for this to make sense just yet, that would require me to not get to deep into my family and how they treated me. It would make me think of the things that weren't healthy in our interactions. It still shits in my coffee, making my latte sour and bitter. To see them happy and wonderful at this point bothers me in ways. Knowing that I was not included, the shaming that came with things. It didn't help that my lashing out was making the problem worse.
It makes all the feelings worse, there's a gnawing hatred about in my mind.
Being half way around the world with everyone where they are allows for this introspective.
Now what does the title have to do with all the things I mentioned above? This was the album that stayed with me through some dark places in both mind, body and soul.
I don't want to go there again, not even in my mind. Though the issues and feelings haven't been resolved. I am watching the fruit of things from 15 years take bloom. Mostly it has been grace-ful in blooming, the rest is slowly choking out like a stillborn night.
I've been in a stillborn night. Not a good place.
As I sit here listening to this whole album, I realize that I've been someone's cocaine and met the person in a hotel.
Also that playboy mommies are not good for anyone. In the song Tori sings of her child dying, but watching a child go through things that they didn't have to, because their mother was a playboy mommy breaks something inside.
My head and heart are somewhat lighter now that I have written this wound.
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