Late night Tori

Boys for Pele is one of my favorite albums for when I want to let something out.

I know what is bothering me. I can't understand my mother in law. I tell myself that this is my husbands mother and that she is looking out for the interest of her son only. Though her actions are bugging me. There is so much that I need to say like how she has hurt my feelings and that she is wrong. Some of this is what I am perceiving from her actions and words.  Though I know only that people change and there is so much in this. The part which bothers me is why do I care so much? I know that I am married to her son, but that should be all. Instead I have his family in my heart and part of my mind. Am I upset that she offended me or is this all because I disappointed someone who I did know that I shouldn't disappoint. Hell if I know right now.

Father Lucifer

Track 3 on the CD Boys for Pele and now I remember those night diving into my mind and all the thoughts that came with them. For some reason I could just sink while Tori sang " Father Lucifer you never looked so sane."

Speaking of sanity.... I seem to be losing my grip with part of it. For my Pisces self is reeling from the fact that lots is happening. I should be enjoying myself: new job( albeit somewhat illegal), husband( he loves me, though can't understand why I am so moody sometimes or dreamy.) and not to mention living in a foreign country( Yays! Korea). Though I feel out of touch with something and wondering if I need to get away for a bit. Take a Holiday, but what am I taking it for and from? Hell if I know at this moment. Much of what I want is filled in, though I want to jump from the roof. I feel bi-polar and strange, but I am not bi-polar and I am very familiar. 

Marianne

 Track 5: Speaks volumes about love and all the people who are in our lives.
For some reason Tori voice is amazing while she sings of her friend who killed herself.  There is this light but bold sadness about the events. Parts of Marianne is about memories and thoughts.

"Just having thoughts of Marianne"


"Caught a light sneeze" ....Track 6 is interesting for all of its glory. Well this is where haunting vocals blend with the piano and back-up. For tonight I am done.  I decide to change the list to a track I love to hear "Angie" which is a cover from the Rolling Stones.

Letting it out

Long ago when I was two my mother died.

Please understand that yes it was a sad thing, but the hardest part was

not having the void filled in by losing her.

My grandmother tried to fill it in. Though she loves me I am still her grandchild and

the dynamic of the relationship has it's ups and down.

There were my mothers sisters who also tried, but of course life happens and

they became mothers and lovers for others.

I watched as this all happen and felt lonely.

Thats what it was at first, then it grew into anger for things that had nothing to do with the loss anymore.

Years passed and mistakes by all were made, even myself included. Though this void did not fill itself.

There were women, crushes, religion, books, music and sex. I found that all I wanted was for someone to be my mother.

That need became something ugly and dark inside of me. It manifested in my thoughts.

It did not last that long though or in retrospective it did not. There was the moment where I thought " I can end how I feel. I will end all of this hurt, anger and loneliness."

Attempting suicide was one of the moments where I realized that I was just lonely and angry.

I look back and wonder about that year of my life.

Now 10 years have passed and there is someone who helps me laugh through it all and shares things with me.

P is wonderful. I wouldn't have it any other way. At first I was scarred for having a relationship with him. Now I couldn't imagine not having him near.

For after being married for two years things are settling down. We are working out the kinks in our marriage and I am still working out the other kink as well.

You see I now have a mother in law. She's an interesting woman. I mean that in the truest since of the word. Though what I have noticed is that she is a mother who is now my mother, even if the bond is through marriage.

She has not always be kind with her words and deeds. Such as when she called me once over a business matter and I understood that she wanted to know what was going on, it was how she went about it that bothered me.

An not to mention the moment I showed her my wedding ring and the look on her face of utter mistrust. It hurt. P tells me that is just her and to give her time, though now I am starting to understand her and the roll of the mother a little better.

Even when her actions are strange.  I can't entirely hate( though it is really dislike) her for she is has this wonderfully joy about her when is happy and especially when she is making beads and doing jewelry for others. Or when she is talking with P

about things that are happening in KY and other events going on in their lives. At this point I have hope. In a couple of years we will have children and I want for them to not only have me as there as mom, but also their grandmother

and great-grandmother who lives in OR. I just hope we are in the US at the time, right now P and I are in South Korea.

Now little by little I am understanding more about relationships and love. Even when the person is no longer there, it seems you end up meeting them again along the way of life.

To dance the dance

       I had a chance to talk with my grandmother and find out how life was going for her and other members of my family in SC. Things are good she says and the next question after all the other ones were over was " Have you found a church yet?". Now I responded with the usual deflection of there is one near me, however they don't speak English. Now here is Korea there are several English speaking churches. Why do the whole deflection and all. Simple, I'm pagan.

      Now this is not news to my grandmother for she made it her mission to block my growth on a spiritual level and I understand that she did it through love and meant well. However, I have learned to deflect it off. However, I still have to make a dance around it, I know that it puts her at ease just knowing that I pray. Though many would considered it a cowards way out, though after years of fighting over having pagan items an having them thrown out and going through the humiliation of being told there is something wrong with me. I decided to just put my thoughts aside and leave. Only reason this all came up was that I realized that I have been doing this for a while.

      After moving to Korea, of course and feel guilty like I am not being open with her. Though I am just glad that she accepts my husband Patrick, who declared he's an atheist, more like agnostic. I say this due the fact that an atheist truly has faith in nothing and where I have noticed from my husband who tends to have faith in people and other things. Though this is something for another time. However, I just find it funny that here I am an adult now and having to dance around something so dear to me and even the steps remain the same.

As we dance

Spent the day in Seoul walking along the riverside and taking in the sights mostly not that worried about the heat. For some odd reason I was humming part of a song by Sting "As we danced", smiling over at Patrick. It was nice to have him near, knowing that we were walking and talking.
Even were so bold as to have meaningful conversation about something other than gaming or whatever emo thing I was feeling. Lol. I mentioned a ways back that to me Patrick is like water in deep well and that I was very thirsty. I am still thirsty, and the water is refreshing. Though I don't gluttonously drink it down, I have found that sipping is best. (Smiling to myself for a moment) While about in our wondering I realized Patrick loves me for all that I am. Hard to say that with us only being two years in. ( Big date August 23rd of 2009) Though he does, with my childishness, silliness, selfishness, and kind ways. He loves me, I see it when he smiles at me and even when I spent more than I should. It is a unconditional love that is flowing forth and I know that even wells have there dry moments, though if that well is not overly used hard it can still give a little water during the dry. Which would be the moment Patrick has now with his job changing and the frustration that come with finding another job in another country again. Though I know he still loves me and it is the same.