It was missing. Silent all these years.

For the last five months, I have spent time in reflection of both the good and bad, along with the grey areas of my being.

An it made me thinking about the times where I was embarrassed, as a form of discipline. That somehow

the idea that being completely shamed would somehow make it better. This taught me that I needed to do

one of  two things. First, that I needed to fix something within me and that as long as that something was

fixed and hidden away that all was right with the world. Second, that as long as said behaviors weren't made

known that I was "good" enough.

Those were some rough years, still bothered by what happened and how it happened. However, I learned

that something was missing all along. It was my personal power of self and the natural wholeness of self.

When I first started teaching in Korea. The first rule was not to embarrass a child through discipline. This

meant even though I found their behavior to be unruly, I was not to dismiss them in such a way that would

leave them scared or emotionally scarred. An yet this is something I remember happening on multiply levels

childhood. It made me realize that those behaviors I had could have been handled differently, and the

responses to them should have been handled in a different manner. Yes, discipline can be used. Though in

way that allows for the root of the behavior to really stop and for the child not to be robbed of it personal

power and feel emotionally scarred.

With regards to hiding who I was and hiding a abnormal behavior. It didn't help, it made the behavioral mess

of my mind worse. It took me some time to understand that being whole and having a complete self is very

important. Now more than ever, I work at making sure my best and true self is always at the for front.

Though these things still bother me and I am not one hundred percent where I need to be. Though until I am

there, I have made the choice to not have children to till I know how to fill this void. I don't want to cause

them the same harm. I want for them to healthy both mentally and physically. An when I think on the last four

years, there's a bittersweet knowing that I wouldn't have been ready to be a parent a while back. That child

would have been dealing with parents who loved each other, but couldn't fully love their child.

So now it is no longer missing and I've given this a voice so that the silence ends.

Up in the air.

There is a moment when you won't let people do the things they do anymore.

Right now is that moment.

I noticed that many times, people didn't just ignore me or push me to the side.

That it was because I let them.

With that in mind, I now take the time to not let people do that any longer.

I feel like things have been up in the air with many people in my life. An as I land back down,

to a place of being mentally settled.

I refuse to let people get me to the place where I am bothered. Nor will I continue with where

things have gone.

For instance the fact that people think I can be used, or set aside because of something small.

I will not reach out anymore, nor will I bow and kiss the gold ring.

When it comes to my family, I will speak up more about what sideways comments that are either mentioned or said directly.

I will not let them place me in place, where I am robbed of my personal power. Or made to think I am not good enough.

With regards to my in-laws, this is something that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life.
This is the one thing that I don't think will change over night.  I hate having to rely on them for anything. An while rude things were said on both sides, I will work toward the bettering of them.
I know that neither of them truly see me as the person for their son, but were still together.
 An I will have to work at making sure not to further disappoint them more than what I have.
I know that their not my parents, but I will have to understand I am not their family. Yet a person who makes up their extended family.

An to myself most of all, we will work toward making it better. Mentally and spiritually.



 

Failing at the margins of my experience

This month was full of wrong choices and the price of those choices are higher than I would like to admit. Having wronged our bank account on so many levels all for the sake of what, happiness?

Besides the nagging feeling that people are leaving you behind on purpose and that waiting for them to talk you is a pain in the ass. Much of it comes in the form of knowing the person and the sudden change. Granted people change all the time. Or is it more to the fact that finally I have no reason to be bothered with this person? Don't want to have to admit that I use others as a source of joy, the way others have used me.

Finally, lost a wonderful family member. Though more glad that she isn't suffering anymore.
Seeing her in pain and not seeing the vibrant person who use to be. Was strange to see. It took a while for it to creep in how much a part she was in my life.

There are some other concerns, mostly about things that are in my head. There are lots of petty, judgmental, selfish, outlandish and jealous thoughts playing around in there. There are many hopeful, wondrous, playful and determined ones as well.

What can I say other than I have been failing in multiple ways lately.

Money- It's a drag. Best words from a song. In hindsight its my spending habits that are the drag. Failed again on that note. This is going to be long.  Finish this up......

She said- Do this, I said- Why? This would be parts of why I really think I am not right in the head.
Not all of me is whole up there.
Its fractured and fractal too. Failing myself has been easy and hard at the same time. It takes skill to constantly self harm the self and the will of self, all while trying to believe a lie that you as a person are not good enough.

Ruby through the looking glass

Spent today listening to some Tori Amos.

Realized that I had never heard the extra songs from her other album "Scarlet's Secret Walk".

She sings of her unborn child and how that didn't turn out how she wanted it to.

There are parts where her voice soars. She is singing about how we as women, we want it all.

It made me think, what is it that I wanted. A loving relationship, got it and it is growing into a loving

marriage. To be respected and at peace with where you are in your life. That is the other "want",

it haunts me in thoughts about. With how I see myself now. I find there is less worry about what others think

me. Now it is that fear that the best of me is gone and what is left is not worth using. Or having for that

matter.

An like Tori I begin to understand her pain of miscarrying, in how parts of myself were miscarried.

They didn't grow to fruit. An what is left is something twisted. Yet green leaves still grow from it. Though

time will tell if the fruit will be pleasing.

Currently it looks like whatever that fruit maybe, it will be okay.

Choirgirl Hotel and other things

Sadly this is not a good time to be mentally stuck with anything. I am finding my 30's to be some mental prison that I lead myself into. What bothers me is that my choices were hollow. Not as a response to what was happening, but more of a reaction to it.

With that said, I have found some type of freedom that I didn't know was here. In looking really far inside myself I found that I am more than enough to get through whatever is happening with my life.

Though not all of me is looking for this to make sense just yet, that would require me to not get to deep into my family and how they treated me. It would make me think of the things that weren't healthy in our interactions. It still shits in my coffee, making my latte sour and bitter. To see them happy and wonderful at this point bothers me in ways. Knowing that I was not included, the shaming that came with things. It didn't help that my lashing out was making the problem worse.

It makes all the feelings worse, there's a gnawing hatred about in my mind.

Being half way around the world with everyone where they are allows for this introspective.

Now what does the title have to do with all the things I mentioned above? This was the album that stayed with me through some dark places in both mind, body and soul.

I don't want to go there again, not even in my mind. Though the issues and feelings haven't been resolved. I am watching the fruit of things from 15 years take bloom. Mostly it has been grace-ful in blooming, the rest is slowly choking out like a stillborn night.

I've been in a stillborn night. Not a good place.

As I sit here listening to this whole album, I realize that I've been someone's cocaine and met the person in a hotel.

Also that playboy mommies are not good for anyone. In the song Tori sings of her child dying, but watching a child go through things that they didn't have to, because their mother was a playboy mommy breaks something inside.

My head and heart are somewhat lighter now that I have written this wound.