This month was full of wrong choices and the price of those choices are higher than I would like to admit. Having wronged our bank account on so many levels all for the sake of what, happiness?
Besides the nagging feeling that people are leaving you behind on purpose and that waiting for them to talk you is a pain in the ass. Much of it comes in the form of knowing the person and the sudden change. Granted people change all the time. Or is it more to the fact that finally I have no reason to be bothered with this person? Don't want to have to admit that I use others as a source of joy, the way others have used me.
Finally, lost a wonderful family member. Though more glad that she isn't suffering anymore.
Seeing her in pain and not seeing the vibrant person who use to be. Was strange to see. It took a while for it to creep in how much a part she was in my life.
There are some other concerns, mostly about things that are in my head. There are lots of petty, judgmental, selfish, outlandish and jealous thoughts playing around in there. There are many hopeful, wondrous, playful and determined ones as well.
What can I say other than I have been failing in multiple ways lately.
Money- It's a drag. Best words from a song. In hindsight its my spending habits that are the drag. Failed again on that note. This is going to be long. Finish this up......
She said- Do this, I said- Why? This would be parts of why I really think I am not right in the head.
Not all of me is whole up there.
Its fractured and fractal too. Failing myself has been easy and hard at the same time. It takes skill to constantly self harm the self and the will of self, all while trying to believe a lie that you as a person are not good enough.
Besides the nagging feeling that people are leaving you behind on purpose and that waiting for them to talk you is a pain in the ass. Much of it comes in the form of knowing the person and the sudden change. Granted people change all the time. Or is it more to the fact that finally I have no reason to be bothered with this person? Don't want to have to admit that I use others as a source of joy, the way others have used me.
Finally, lost a wonderful family member. Though more glad that she isn't suffering anymore.
Seeing her in pain and not seeing the vibrant person who use to be. Was strange to see. It took a while for it to creep in how much a part she was in my life.
There are some other concerns, mostly about things that are in my head. There are lots of petty, judgmental, selfish, outlandish and jealous thoughts playing around in there. There are many hopeful, wondrous, playful and determined ones as well.
What can I say other than I have been failing in multiple ways lately.
Money- It's a drag. Best words from a song. In hindsight its my spending habits that are the drag. Failed again on that note. This is going to be long. Finish this up......
She said- Do this, I said- Why? This would be parts of why I really think I am not right in the head.
Not all of me is whole up there.
Its fractured and fractal too. Failing myself has been easy and hard at the same time. It takes skill to constantly self harm the self and the will of self, all while trying to believe a lie that you as a person are not good enough.
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