Leave them

Yes. Leave them. Leave them where they are. All those ghost floating around in your head. Leave them.

If you try swimming in their waters, you'll drown in the murkiness that is. Leave Kawanna, Pam and all the other messes where they are.

Leave all the issues with his family where they are. Leave you undying hate for self and all the missed chances where they are.

It is going into 2016, you can't take them with you anymore. You can't tattoo something on you about learning to love you if you're doing that.

I can live in this world of mine like a stranger, seeing all these things and let the pass me by.

You'll have to use that anger to burn you away. Use it as a fuel, for you to grow.

So leave it all where it is. Pretend that what you know now is what it is. That all is good.

Leave all the misspoken words where they are. Focus on now.

Getting better at it

Perhaps the hard part is not being completely honest with each other. We just had a fight about when Patrick would put me down for playing an all Japanese game. It was one that I had seen in the states a long time ago. The argument that is. Though the issue isn't with that, it is with me teasing him for being cruel. It bothers me. How he thinks it is fine not to point out his flaws.

Though it doesn't make it any better to tease him about it. Why did I do that? Was it worth it?

No. It didn't make anything better only worse. Still I just said that I wouldn't talk about it. Cause I keep bring up the past. So I'll just be quiet about it. It doesn't matter how much I am bothered by him being angry about it. Though his anger is in the fact that I apparently put words in his mouth. Which I didn't.

Then again, he did the same thing while I was in Japan. Tried to tell him how I felt about us then and now. Them he proceeded to get angry at me for mentioning it. As if I was responsible for him lying to his family and friends. While encouraging him to be honest. Though just like now. I promised not to bring it up again. An just the other day he mentions. "When we have our ceremony." As if that is possible now. As if that magically makes things better.

There are so many other things that I have promised not to talk about. An only for him to give me the shit about there are games that he can't play due to how I was wanting for his time and affection. That it went from his normal love of gaming. To wanting to escape from the shitty jobs. An I fail to see how it balances out. That might be the worse part is that I am expected to not do anything about it. An yet I fail to see it.

I need to stop bringing up stuff, that will make things balance the hell out. It won't, so why bother. Resolve not to tisk-for-tasket with things in your life. An you do this with other people in your life. So promise yourself that you'll work on this for the rest of your days.

Yeah make that promise. Then you figure out why it is okay, for these people to hurt me. An them spew they love me. So the goal is to murder my heart, don't speak it. Leave the past in the past. Work with now. Right now. You're not going to swim with this. You'll die.

Choosing to forgive or forget

There is always a choice to make. Even in not making one after all these years, I made one. Now I have to wonder if the choice was wise.

Or was I right in my choice. It seems like all the bullshit is playing itself out like some karmic ballet. Of familial promises and neglect.

Though the real problem is that I haven't had to think too hard on it. My grandmother has dementia, and it troubles me that she is going through this. Yet there is the part of myself that is uncaring and callous about it. As if this is her karma for all the years she treated people like as if they didn't matter.

On the other hand there is still this love for her or either it is a knee jerk reaction to holding on to something precious. As in as she loses what makes her, herself. There is also a release of all the anger. No one can truly be angry at a specter, that is just a husk of its former self.

I know that I need to see her before she is completely worse, to forgive myself and her. Then there is the other side of that choice. Knowing that I can forget all about it, watch this morbid dance that is playing out. Or Choose to step away from either, making the choice even more painful.

We'll see. I've until January to make it known.