Long ago when I was two my mother died.
Please understand that yes it was a sad thing, but the hardest part was
not having the void filled in by losing her.
My grandmother tried to fill it in. Though she loves me I am still her grandchild and
the dynamic of the relationship has it's ups and down.
There were my mothers sisters who also tried, but of course life happens and
they became mothers and lovers for others.
I watched as this all happen and felt lonely.
Thats what it was at first, then it grew into anger for things that had nothing to do with the loss anymore.
Years passed and mistakes by all were made, even myself included. Though this void did not fill itself.
There were women, crushes, religion, books, music and sex. I found that all I wanted was for someone to be my mother.
That need became something ugly and dark inside of me. It manifested in my thoughts.
It did not last that long though or in retrospective it did not. There was the moment where I thought " I can end how I feel. I will end all of this hurt, anger and loneliness."
Attempting suicide was one of the moments where I realized that I was just lonely and angry.
I look back and wonder about that year of my life.
Now 10 years have passed and there is someone who helps me laugh through it all and shares things with me.
P is wonderful. I wouldn't have it any other way. At first I was scarred for having a relationship with him. Now I couldn't imagine not having him near.
For after being married for two years things are settling down. We are working out the kinks in our marriage and I am still working out the other kink as well.
You see I now have a mother in law. She's an interesting woman. I mean that in the truest since of the word. Though what I have noticed is that she is a mother who is now my mother, even if the bond is through marriage.
She has not always be kind with her words and deeds. Such as when she called me once over a business matter and I understood that she wanted to know what was going on, it was how she went about it that bothered me.
An not to mention the moment I showed her my wedding ring and the look on her face of utter mistrust. It hurt. P tells me that is just her and to give her time, though now I am starting to understand her and the roll of the mother a little better.
Even when her actions are strange. I can't entirely hate( though it is really dislike) her for she is has this wonderfully joy about her when is happy and especially when she is making beads and doing jewelry for others. Or when she is talking with P
about things that are happening in KY and other events going on in their lives. At this point I have hope. In a couple of years we will have children and I want for them to not only have me as there as mom, but also their grandmother
and great-grandmother who lives in OR. I just hope we are in the US at the time, right now P and I are in South Korea.
Now little by little I am understanding more about relationships and love. Even when the person is no longer there, it seems you end up meeting them again along the way of life.
Please understand that yes it was a sad thing, but the hardest part was
not having the void filled in by losing her.
My grandmother tried to fill it in. Though she loves me I am still her grandchild and
the dynamic of the relationship has it's ups and down.
There were my mothers sisters who also tried, but of course life happens and
they became mothers and lovers for others.
I watched as this all happen and felt lonely.
Thats what it was at first, then it grew into anger for things that had nothing to do with the loss anymore.
Years passed and mistakes by all were made, even myself included. Though this void did not fill itself.
There were women, crushes, religion, books, music and sex. I found that all I wanted was for someone to be my mother.
That need became something ugly and dark inside of me. It manifested in my thoughts.
It did not last that long though or in retrospective it did not. There was the moment where I thought " I can end how I feel. I will end all of this hurt, anger and loneliness."
Attempting suicide was one of the moments where I realized that I was just lonely and angry.
I look back and wonder about that year of my life.
Now 10 years have passed and there is someone who helps me laugh through it all and shares things with me.
P is wonderful. I wouldn't have it any other way. At first I was scarred for having a relationship with him. Now I couldn't imagine not having him near.
For after being married for two years things are settling down. We are working out the kinks in our marriage and I am still working out the other kink as well.
You see I now have a mother in law. She's an interesting woman. I mean that in the truest since of the word. Though what I have noticed is that she is a mother who is now my mother, even if the bond is through marriage.
She has not always be kind with her words and deeds. Such as when she called me once over a business matter and I understood that she wanted to know what was going on, it was how she went about it that bothered me.
An not to mention the moment I showed her my wedding ring and the look on her face of utter mistrust. It hurt. P tells me that is just her and to give her time, though now I am starting to understand her and the roll of the mother a little better.
Even when her actions are strange. I can't entirely hate( though it is really dislike) her for she is has this wonderfully joy about her when is happy and especially when she is making beads and doing jewelry for others. Or when she is talking with P
about things that are happening in KY and other events going on in their lives. At this point I have hope. In a couple of years we will have children and I want for them to not only have me as there as mom, but also their grandmother
and great-grandmother who lives in OR. I just hope we are in the US at the time, right now P and I are in South Korea.
Now little by little I am understanding more about relationships and love. Even when the person is no longer there, it seems you end up meeting them again along the way of life.
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